


My Left Foot

by SuedeScripture



Category: Actor RPF, Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: Dialogue-Only, F/M, Humor, M/M, Phone Calls & Telephones
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-24
Updated: 2010-06-24
Packaged: 2017-10-23 18:12:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/253358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuedeScripture/pseuds/SuedeScripture





	My Left Foot

“No, in half. Two pieces, Bill. In the plural.”

“Splinter.”

“I’m fucking serious! It’s broken! I have X-Rays! I'm down for surgery!”

“And you want me to stay and baby you when you know I’m meant to be back in Glasgow in a week’s time. When you’ve had me round for ages.”

“…I have a doctor’s note and everything.”

“Right. Does it say you’re in desperate and dire need of minding, because you are henceforth crippled and thoroughly unable to care for your own arse?”

“Hang on, let me read it out. It says—bloody doctor’s scripts. Messy—"

“Improv 101. They didn’t have that class at Aquinas, I'd wager.”

“ _It says_ … ‘Patient is encouraged to seek personal assistance where needed.’ See? I might be right-handed, but it’s a little known fact that I am left-footed.”

“That explains a lot. How twisted you are from head to toe, for one.”

“In so many ways. I mean, think of the things this foot has endured over the years. Always the same foot. Numerous stubbings, latex glued on and ripped off every bloody day, being violated with giant bits of wood, tattoos, stepped on with bloody spikey stilettos—"

“Don’t forget how many times and how many different colors you’ve varnished your nails. I don't think they know they're meant to be clear.”

“Yeah. And now broken, by my very own Mother Earth, in her fury at my attempts to conquer her.”

“Always trying to get a leg over. You never did catch a hint when a woman was telling you to piss off, did you?”

“I require assistance. I might not be able to wash by myself, since I can’t get the cast wet, and cleanliness is next to godliness after all. I might not be able to get to the toilet, limping the way I am. Could be messy.”

“Oh, now that’ll make Jack’s day. Sometimes Uncle Dom doesn’t make it to the potty in time, either. ‘Course, that might be a different problem at your age. They make pills for that. Or maybe you ought not play with things in your private time that ought not be played with so much.”

“Billyyyyy!”

“You are the world’s biggest infant. This has always been the problem with you English, you know, whining every time you scuff your knees, it’s no wonder your empire fizzled out. Boo hoo, I’ve broken my foot, now I can’t hold my own pecker when I wee. I need waiting on. Hand and _foot_.”

“I’m wounded. I’m in a significant amount of pain. They even gave me drugs, and you know anyone with any name in this town can’t be counted upon to self-medicate without interventions and rehab, or worse. They built my house into the side of a hill; there are far too many stairs. Think of how badly I could go out. I could trip doing the Rubik's cube again. It would be all over CNN. They would all mourn and say ‘too soon!’ and compare me to James Dean.”

“Oh, now, you’re British, so scale it back a bit. I don’t know that you’re quite big enough for CNN. You might make E! and Sky1 though.”

“My show’s getting cancelled. Fucking studio screwed it right into the ground.”

“Aw. I did like how Simon’s ego moved so very close to its real life counterpart. Yet you never did lose that ‘pity me, I’m so easy to take advantage of’ demeanor.”

“I do try. I just got to succeed more often, because TV women are almost as easy as bloitered Scots… whoops. Did I let that slip, or did you?”

“I hope this means you won’t be trying to explain quantum mechanics to me anymore.”

“Think of how much Halo could be played. FIFA. Splinter Cell: Conviction. FIFA. God of War. FIFA, Billy.”

“Again, splinter.”

“The love, Bill. I feel it withering deep in my heart.”

“Aye, I feel it too. I’m getting the same withering look from the missus. As if you don’t have more than one mate in the world.”

“Not like you. You’re a one-of-a-kind sort of mate, you are.”

“…”

“…”

“Stop that. I can feel you pouting from here.”

“Come _on_. Please? Remember when I had my splinter and you stayed over to take care of me? You take such good care of me, Bills. Remember that night?”

“Aye. Been trying to forget for a decade or so.”

“Have not. You always remember the first time.”

“…Alright. I’ll stay for a few days. _Only_ a few days.”

“You’re my favorite.”

“I'd better be. And don’t you forget it.”

“Never ever.”


End file.
